And here’s where I left off…
In January I started on my first round of Clomid (50mg). I’ve read horror stories online of people’s nasty side effects to the drug (hot flashes, mood swings, nausea) but I had zero. Honestly, I was so excited to just get started and actually have the CHANCE to get pregnant. I haven’t had that chance in over 11 years and I did not want to get pregnant at 19. Ummm, no thank you! I was too busy drinking and going to parties at 19 to have a baby…oh yeah, and going to classes too ;-).
Anyway I was nervous that the Clomid wasn’t working, but after an ultrasound with my doctor he told me I responded nicely and should ovulate in a day or 2. I guess I was being naïve thinking it would happen in one shot so when my period came 2 weeks later I was very disappointed. I let myself revel in the sadness for a few hours and then immediately said onto the next month.
Since the dosage worked well we stuck with 50 mg again on our 2nd round. This time I did not have an ultrasound and hoped for the best. In the wise and cliché words of Tom Petty, the waiting is the hardest part but thankfully my awesome husband planned a fun 31stbirthday getaway for me up to the Georgia mountains. It proved to be a great distraction and we drank lots of wine. A cozy cabin + copious amounts of wine = awesome vacation. And puppy even got to come. We went hiking, made dinners in, and saw our only snow all year in Georgia. It was great!
Unfortunately I knew from tracking my temperatures that this round didn’t do the trick. I had not ovulated and was frustrated at the thought of upping my dosage. My doctor confirmed I was correct with a blood test and told me we’d move along to 100 mg and another ultrasound. I was concerned the increased dosage would come with more side effects and my chances were going down to get pregnant on Clomid, but I tried not to overthink it.
And yes, round 3 definitely came with side effects. An ultrasound confirmed that I had 3 eggs ready to go. Triplets?? no thank you! I was scared enough of twins, let alone 3 little buggers in there. I guess we had to take the chance though. And the medicine left me so bloated that I looked 5 months pregnant. Thankfully I was so happy with my positive response that I didn’t care too much, dressed extra baggy that week, and was feeling really good!
And then the 2 weeks wait. Any woman who has tried to get pregnant knows how awful these 2 weeks are. Never f’n ending. During this time I had signs of something. Signs I had definitely not felt before. I had some dizzy spells unlike my usual low blood pressure head rushes, cramping (which I never get BEFORE my period), and just the overall feeling like this is it. That was until Thursday at midnight…
I promised JP I wouldn’t take a pregnancy test until Saturday morning when my period was due. He didn’t want me getting upset by taking it too early and getting a false negative. Per usual, he was right. But that Thursday early morning all my hopefulness just fell. I had been so optimistic the past few months and all of the stress and worry just caught up with me. Anyone who’s gone through infertility knows how important it is too keep your head high and look forward, but sometimes it feels like you just can’t shut your brain off with all of the negative thoughts. Those thoughts had me up for 2 hours that night wondering would I ever get pregnant, how much would IVF cost, would I want to go there, could we afford adoption? Yeah, I was getting just a tad bit ahead of myself. And JP dealt with this for one of those hours, just listening to me.
I decided I was taking a test that morning after I woke up just to put myself out of my misery since I knew it would be negative. Yup, I KNEW this with absolute certainty. I chugged a glass of water at 2am, went to bed, and woke up to my alarm at 6am. I took a pregnancy test and put it aside while going about my business getting ready. As I was brushing my teeth I peaked over to sneak a look and did not see a second line. Not surprised. But then I picked it up and looked closely after a few minutes and holy shit, there was a second line…
I think every woman imagines their husband’s reaction when they tell them they’re pregnant. I called JP into the bathroom immediately for a 2nd opinion. What I got was an angry husband pissed I took a test too early haha. Definitely not what I had imagined. But we both agreed, yes, 2 lines. Pregnant :-)!
I took another test Saturday morning to reconfirm and the positive jumped right out at me.
And then fast forward 3 weeks and we got to see our little squiggly for the first time with a healthy heartbeat of 160 bpm.
Turns out 2 of those 3 eggs got fertilized and implanted, however only one matured into a fetus. We were very close to having twins and me having a heart attack.
I guess the reason I’m sharing such a personal story is because I’m not embarrassed or ashamed at all and I think too many women who struggle with infertility are. I hope any friends who go through a similar situation know they can come talk to me about it because half the time all you need is an ear to listen. And in the grand scheme of infertility I was SOOOO LUCKY. Once beginning treatment it took only 3 months to get pregnant. For me it was the year build-up that made it feel like forever. My heart goes out to anyone who had to struggle longer than me (or at all for that matter).
And this is a big reason I wanted to continue this blog. I want to share updates with family and friends without blasting it all over Facebook (aka Bragbook). My silly ultrasound picture doesn’t need to be the reason someone else’s day is ruined. I also found such comfort in other people’s blogs during my journey, especially www.thisplaceisnowahome.wordpress.com. It’s kind of crazy just how similar our stories were. I hope I’m as lucky as Kate was to go on and have a healthy 2nd pregnancy with no fertility drugs at all. Fingers crossed!
And if you’ve stuck with this post and read it all, then you’re a trooper! 🙂